Just another relaxing day of Blood Surfing.

A Note from Dr. Abalone: Whilst you all have been frolicking along the shores and diving in the sea, as is your way, I, Dr. Abalone, have been scouring the moviesphere for the perfect entertainment to enlighten your decadent souls. After extensive research I unleash upon you a slew of films so pathetic in their attempt to entertain, they win the piscatorial prize for perfidy: movies so awful you’ll love to hate them. Because only those that truly love the sea and live daily at its mercy, such as yourselves, can transcend the blood and gore and celebrate their essence of utter stupidity.  

What do you get when you combine surfing + sharks + reality TV + pirates + salt-water crocodile? You get Blood Surf, an ocean movie whereby  “…a surfers dream can become reality.” As if sharks attacking surfers wasn’t enough, this film follows a reality TV show on a “shark infested” island where they up the stakes by chumming the water and (for extra fun) cutting their feet to create an event called Blood Surfing. But hey, as they say in the movie “Chicks dig scars!”

Screenshot 2017-05-23 17.42.31.png
Let’s go surfing!

If you’re watching for the surfing, forget it, because the waves are quickly forgotten after the first 30 min (with one exception). More importantly, all of the above-water shots are crappy rights but the below-water shots are totally tubuar lefts. I’m sure most film viewers missed that key point. What they didn’t miss was the 3 or 4 shark fins cutting through the water on the wave while the surfer dodges their attacks. Sure, right, we get that all the time!

blood surf 3
Next time you’re in the tube, watch out!

But that’s just the start of this gripping film because — yes, you guessed  it! — the blood attracts a bigger and more badass predator: a 31-foot saltwater crocodile named “Salty” who pops on the scene and begins gobbling everyone in sight. And if that wasn’t enough, they stumble into a band of bloodthirsty pirates that steal the dude’s chick. Outrageous! You gotta hand it to the writers of this film though, they don’t lack for imagination. Plus, as the original crew was getting a bit thin, the pirates add more meat to the story and keep the body count climbing. At the very least it gives you a reason to keep watching. What will happen next?

Despite all of that, the film is entertaining because Salty, although appearing somewhat confused by everything, is clearly more intelligent than any of the human characters he’s chasing: he hides in clever places, bursts through boat hulls, and suddenly jumps up and grabbing a snack when nobody’s looking. As the film progressed I began cheering him on as the supposed “heroes” of the film appear to be going out-of-the-way to offer themselves to Salty with repeated acts of sheer stupidity. Kick a “dead” croc? What do you think is gonna happen? Then the sex scenes, of which there are many but few with happy endings, are really stupid. I mean come on, sneaking off for sex is the best way to die in these movies, right?  Don’t these people ever watch horror films?

The best scene in the movie [spoiler alert!] is when the self-centered producer steals a surfboard to escape and rides a wave right into Salty’s mouth. That scene alone is almost worth watching the movie. [note to Producer: turn next time!]

Screenshot 2017-05-23 15.02.45.png
This is what happens when you can’t turn while surfing.

Thankfully, a character right out of jaws turns up to try and kill the croc and the hunt is on. Although it’s not clear who is hunting who as the giant croc fakey model begins consuming everything in sight. To avoid any spoilers it’s fair to say the ending is right out of Tarzan, with heroes, half-eaten heroes, stakes through the mouthes of pirates, and even explosives! The only good thing about the film is that it lets the sharks off the hook, as they are quickly forgotten in all of the mayhem that ensues. [Actually, the croc ate them all so now the island is safe to visit!]

blood surf 6
Hunting a saltwater crocodile: bad idea!

For these reasons, and many others, Blood Surf falls into the category of films that are amusingly awful — like Tentacles or Sharkanado — ones we definitely love to hate, because in their pathetic attempt to be serious, they actually become entertaining. The perfect film to curl up with on a cold, wet weekend at the beach when you need a few laughs, but in this case (because of the sex and gore) without the kids.


But don’t trust me, check out the trailer and decide for yourself!


Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: